who am I?

who is the real me?

do I know her?

does she know me?

would I like her?

would she like me?

does she know how to feel?

more importantly, is she happy?

so many questions I would ask myself if only I knew her

there’s just so many things I would say

but really, I just want to know

if she is like me in any way?

can I be honest for a minute?

it’s so hard to let my guard down and express how I really feel

it’s so hard to explain that the loudest voices I hear

on a daily basis

are screaming inside my head

and you can’t even hear them

it feels like I am unlovable

it feels like I am past the point of no return

and nothing I will ever do or say will ever be enough

it doesn’t matter how hard I try

it doesn’t matter how hard I fight

it just feels

hopeless

I just feel

hopeless

I just feel

pain

I just feel

empty

at the end of the day

the voices in my head will tell me that I will never be loved

that I will always be left behind

that there is no reason for me to belong

at the end of the day

the voices in my head will tell me that I am beyond repair

that I am broken

and no one likes playing with broken things

at the end of the day

I am my own worst enemy

and there is nothing more cliche than saying

I am my own worst enemy

but it is true

it is my truth

and it is the truest thing I know

because the saddest part to this story

is that I know nothing I think is real

I know I am worthy of love

I know I am broken, but that people will care for me anyway

I know I am a person worth being

I know that I am a person

I know that I am a flawed human

but at the end of the day,

I know that I am perfect, just the way I am

the question is:

if I know that the voices in my head are lying,

why do I listen?

why don’t I just tune them out?

why don’t I just think happy thoughts?

first off,

if it was simply as simple as just

“think happy thoughts,”

I wouldn’t be where I am today

I wouldn’t have been hospitalized as many times as I have been

second,

it would be easy to tune out the voices if they were whispering

even if they were talking at a normal talking volume

but that’s not what these voices do

they SCREAM

and they SCREAM

and they never stop SCREAMING until the metaphorical blood

runs from my ears

the voices aren’t easy to stop listening to

third,

these voices live inside your head

they know you better than you know yourself

they will tell you things you didn’t want to hear

but the worst part

is that you’ll believe these voices

because at first

they build you up

they start dragging you in by hoisting you up

and once you finally have a spec of self-confidence

the voices will find you

and they will SCREAM

and you will lose all your hope again

I know this sounds like a pity party

I know this sounds like an excuse for me to rain on my own parade

but this is far from a cry for anything

this is an explanation of how life is

for me, at least

so long story short,

I am a burdened, broken human being

and I am far from perfect

SURPRISE

long story short,

I am depressed

and my life is filled with unpleasant emotions

SURPRISE

long story short,

it doesn’t matter what you say to me because what I tell myself will always be worse

long story short,

life is hard

but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop fighting

and you shouldn’t either

because

for better or worse

through the good and the bad

this is the only life you get