It’s almost been a year since I started at Luther College.

It’s almost been a year since I left Luther.

It’s been about 9 months since I was last in psychiatric care for threatening to kill myself.

Time has gone by. I have grown. I have changed.

I have been hospitalized 4 times since my Junior Year of high school, and all of them were suicide-related. I don’t say this for your pity. I don’t need your pity and I don’t want your pity. I let you know this so you can understand.

Leaving Luther College was the hardest decision I have made in my life, but it was also one of the best decisions I made, and it was probably the most mature decision I’ve made.

The real reason I’m writing all this is so that I can remember how proud of myself I am in this moment.

I’m going to Blinn College-Bryan in the Fall to pursue an Associate’s in Psychology. I worked at camp this summer, and I managed to live away from my parents for a significant amount of time. I’m going back to camp in a week for Family Camp, and I get to see some of my friends again. I’m in the process of getting a job in College Station. Oh, and I can’t believe I forgot this but (aside from federal assistance) I paid for my First Semester at Blinn BY MYSELF! I had enough money to pay for the Fall, and I even had enough money to pay for my own books! That may not seem very big, but when I heard that I didn’t need to stress about paying for this semester, I was over the moon!

That doesn’t mean that I’m not still struggling. I isolate myself in my room almost every day because I’m crippled with anxiety and loss. I sleep way too much so I can avoid confronting anything in my life. There are still dark days when I’m scared of my own thoughts. I miss my friends more than anyone could possible imagine. I’m overwhelmed with the fear that I’m not good enough, and that nothing I ever do will ever be good enough. And then there’s, of course, the most common Borderline fear: I will be alone forever because no one loves me.

Once again, I don’t say this for your pity. I do this to hopefully inspire you. I do this to show you that you can have a good life and still have dark days. You can be proud of yourself, and still have days where you wish you weren’t you.

YOU

CAN

DO

THIS

And if no one reads this, and if no one cares, and if the only person that reads this and feels this is me, then so be it. At the end of the day, the only person I need to impact is myself. At the end of the day, the only person that needs to love me and care for me is ME.

I love every single one of you, and you all mean the world to me, but you and I both need to understand something: You are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, so you might as well enjoy it.

Time changes everything, and nothing lasts forever, but God knows and loves every single one of you. And God knows what God is doing. Never doubt what God does. You can doubt yourself. You can doubt your friends. You can doubt your family. You can even doubt the entire world. But you should never doubt God because God has a future in mind for you. God has all the best things lined up for you, and is waiting for you at every turn. God loves you more than I ever will.

So as the days go by, and as the world keeps spinning, remember that you are growing. You are changing for the better, and God knows what God is doing in your life. Never forget that you are special. Never forget that you are loved. Never forget that you matter in this world. Never forget that you were put on this earth for a reason, and it’s up to you and God to do something about it.

I love you.