I am sick and tired. I’m done. I don’t have the energy anymore, and I can’t deal with it…..and no, this isn’t a suicidal confession of a depressed teenager. This is the dying breath of an empathetic teenage girl living in a war zone.

I am 19. I am a high school graduate, and a one-time college drop out, and an incoming College Freshman. I am a Pastor’s daughter. I am a musician and an artist. I am a friend. I am a daughter. I have been described as having the biggest heart, and giving everything I have to help others.

But now, I can only think of one thing to describe myself: DONE.

I am a citizen of America, a country that is tearing itself to pieces while the world stands by, either mourning or laughing. I am sick and tired of watching my friends and family on opposing sides. I am sick and tired of listening to ignorant, hateful speech (by people on BOTH sides). I am sick and tired.

I always look for the best in people. I want to believe that people are going to choose good over evil, or choose love over hate. I always want to believe that people are going to take the high road, show compassion and love, and most importantly, do what is best for others.

In elementary school, I loved celebrating my country. I loved being American, and I loved hearing about all the wonderful things that people in our country were doing. I was overjoyed at the thought of growing up to continue the great legacy that my founding fathers had set before me.

Now, I am ashamed.

I am ashamed to take hold of this country because it has now become something I cannot stand beside. My issue with this country doesn’t even have anything to do with the thousands of issues that need our attention and deserve real change. My issue with this country is within the heart of every American, and it is HATRED.

I’m sure by now that everyone has heard about the tragic death of 5-year-old Cannon Hinnant. What happened to this innocent child was not ok, and I will agree with everyone that this death was monstrous and unnecessary. That’s not what this is about. When I scroll through Facebook, all I see are posts about how no one is outraged enough and how justice needs to be served. I see people commenting about how no one is protesting or rioting on behalf of Cannon, and about how this lack show just how inconsiderate and evil the protestors are. I’m sorry you feel that way, but you’re missing the point.

Within 24 hours, Cannon’s murderer had been found, arrested, and charged with first-degree murder. Cannon will receive the justice he deserves. On the other hand, Breonna Taylor’s murderers have simply been fired. I now ask you, is being FIRED enough punishment for wrongly taking someone’s life?

But even that is not the center of my heartbreak.

When I look on Facebook, and look to the comments to see how people are reacting, I am blown away. People are insisting that this man be killed. People are demanding that Cannon’s killer be brought to justice by putting a bullet in his head (that’s something I actually read in a comment). I am hurt by this death, too. I am devastated at the loss of life, too. I mourn for this precious child, and I wish peace and comfort upon his family. That does not mean that I want to answer violence with violence.

When did we decide that every forceful action should be met with more force? When did we decide that every act of violence needed to be answered by the same amount of violence?

I cannot sit by while my country falls to piece because it is consumed by hatred and rage. This outcry for “justice” isn’t anger. It isn’t being upset over an act of injustice. This is the cry of a hurting, broken society that has lost its way.

America is better than this. WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS. I can’t believe I’ve come to live in a time where we’ve decided that hate will overcome hate. I can’t believe I live in a country where we bring up our sins, but only to take away from another sin. We have become so consumed by our hatred, that we can’t even see how much we are hurting each other. This rage over an innocent boy’s death has NOTHING to do with the death at all. Half of America is using it as a way to show that Black Lives Matter doesn’t give two shits about anyone, and the other half is using it to persuade people that the media is full of crap.

I’m tired. I’m trying to fight for my country. I’m trying to fight for my friends, my family, and people I’ve never met. I want this country to be better. I want to have hope for a future for my country, and I don’t honestly have that right now.

Maybe this is just the tired ranting of an ignorant schoolgirl. Maybe this is just the blunders of a dreamy-eyed idealist. Or maybe, just maybe…..

Maybe I’m right. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all realize the branch in our own eyes, without feeling the need to criticize the sliver in someone else’s? Consider that.