I’m struggling.

I know what I need to do…..but I just don’t know.

Is this how you felt dad? Is this what it was like for you?

I know I NEED to go to seminary. It is the thing that feels the most right.

HOWEVER

I know I’m not the type of person who is ready to go into war with people.

I’ve seen some of the worst places. I’ve seen congregations go from the top of the world to the pits of Hell. I don’t know if I can do that

I’ve seen some of the loudest “Christians” hide behind fake smiles and false love. I don’t know if I have the courage to lead them to the truth with grace and peace.

Nowadays, I don’t really go to church. I don’t consider myself to be Christian. To answer all the “whys” simply, I just can’t back an “organization” that is political but refuses to admit it. Everytime I step in a church, I get very tense and panicky because I’m scared I’ll get comfortable, and soon have to leave. I don’t know that I can do that.

From a very young age, I knew I had to be a pastor. I knew I had to go to seminary and follow the call I felt. However, when I was about 16 or 17, I said I was not going to be a pastor. I refused to do that to my family. I refused to let any child of mine go through what I went through. I refused because I wasn’t going to willingly sign myself up to walk to hell and back.

So I wandered around from career path to path, settling on music because it gave me a voice. But it still didn’t feel entirely right. Seminary feels right but I don’t know if I have the strength. The courage. The faith. I just don’t know.

And that’s how I know this is right. Everytime I chose a new career path, I felt the need to explain why it was right. Why I was making the right choice. But with this, the uncertainty feels comfortable. While I can’t say I’m entirely fine with not knowing, I’m ok with the fact that I don’t have a reason to explain why this is right.

Is this how you felt dad?

I’m terrified. I’m absolutely out of my comfort zone, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find it again. Is this the right decision? How can I live in the uncertainty of never being “certain” again?

I imagine this is how you felt, dad. Knowing you had to do it, but not wanting to. Fear, yet confidence. Terror, yet pride.

I don’t know about anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. But this does. Seminary makes sense. Granted, I need to finish my time in undergrad first. I need to get into seminary first. But this makes sense. So, for now, this is what I’ll do.

Is this what it was like for you?