Hi. It’s me again.

It’s been a while.

I’ve been meaning to write, and trying to write, for what feels like forever. I’m very good at writing about darkness when I’m in a good place, but it’s another currently in that place. bout darkness when you’re in it. So I haven’t written in such a long time, because it just felt like I was whining everytime I read back my writing.

The past year has been the best year of my life, by far. But it’s also been the hardest year of my life without contest. The highs have been absolutely incredible, but the lows were completely unimaginable until they happened. I embraced new parts of myself, but I also spent my days loathing my own existence.

And this semester has even brought about some of its own challenges. I registered for 21 credits, and was working full time at a job 45 minutes away. I didn’t truly realize the toll it was taking on me until recently. I’ve been very close to the edge without realizing it, and I’ve only recently stepped away from the edge.

For whatever reason, the turning point was this past Monday. I drove back home to hang out with a friend, but her plans had changed so we never hung out. Instead of driving back right away, I chose to stay around College Station. In the end, I wound up sitting in the parking lot of my workplace. I just sat outside on my car, listening to music. Then like a scene out of a cheesy coming-of-age teen movie, I started dancing around the parking lot barefoot. There was something entirely freeing about being by myself and allowing myself to be happy. It was one of the best days I’ve had in a very long time.

Sometimes I think I know why I feel the way I do, or why things change, but in all honesty, I don’t know why I feel ok right now. I was in a very dark place for a very long time, and I don’t know why anything changed. But I don’ t think I’m going to waste this good mood by analyzing why I finally feel ok. I think that for once in my life, I’m just going to let myself feel ok. I’m just going to let myself be as I am. And even though I said I don’t want to analyze, I think finally letting myself be ok is the reason I finally feel ok. And I really like this feeling.