“what if”s

it’s easier to remember

the reasons why i’m afraid

when there’s no one around

it’s easier to remember

the reasons i don’t quite like myself

when i’m in the dark

all alone

what if they leave?

what if they realize i’m no good?

all the what ifs

rattle around my mind

because even though i’m the one

that will be leaving soon

it gives you every reason

to walk away

(at least i see it that way

in my mind)

what if they realize i’m too much?

what if they get tired of me?

all the what ifs

rattle around

in my mind

because even though i’m told otherwise

i can never truly believe

that i am enough

as i am

at least not now

i want to believe it

but i have been trained

to believe otherwise

what if i lost weight?

what if i was prettier

all the what ifs

rattle around

in my mind

because maybe if i was prettier

people might like me

because maybe if i was skinnier

i might like me

and yes

i know

i know this is toxic

but these are my thoughts

these are my fears

they may seem silly and foolish

to you

but they are real

and often debilitating

to me

so i’m sorry

i’m so sorry

but these are my thoughts

and these are my fears

all these what ifs