If I were talking to a stranger, and told them I found God in my Intro to Theology class, I don’t think that stranger would find that odd. I don’t even think friends or family would find it especially odd, but some might question why a pastor’s daughter would need to find God.

If I told that same stranger that I found forgiveness in my Intro to Theology class, I still don’t think they would find that odd. I think my friends and family might understand from their perspective, but I think the true forgiveness I found might not be the simple answer.

Because while I did find examples of God’s forgiveness, I found a forgiveness I didn’t think I’d ever find.

I found a way to forgive myself.

My self enforced over-participation in church didn’t make me a fraud. Putting on a mask to preserve an image didn’t make me a coward. My inability to sit in services for years because of deathly anxiety did not make me any lesser.

My refusal to collapse under the weight I held was not my fault. My guilt for things that had nothing to do with me was not my fault. My hesitancy to rejoin the church was not my fault. My hesitancy to become a leader in a place I didn’t want to lead was not my fault.

I was allowed to let go of my guilt.

I was allowed to let go of my shame.

I found forgiveness in Intro to Theology.

I found the beginnings of a new path to peace. The first two pieces of that path lead from my Psychology class to the Chapel, and then from the Chapel to Intro to Theology.

One of our chapel speakers for the semester said something about how the “church” failed to make him into something else and he was forever glad for that. As a separate example, the “church” tried to make something of me. Someone of me. That someone was quiet. That someone accepted the way of the world and tried to fit into the space created for her. That someone shut down in conflict and shied away from hard times.

I am done being her. I have spent too much of my life hiding (often in plain sight) like others would have me do. I found forgiveness. I am finding peace. I see the start of my path. I will follow the path before me.

Because yes, I found God in Intro to Theology. I found good friends. I found some enlightening conversations. I found another mentor who sees me as I am and supports my dreams.

But most importantly, on the path to the chapel and the following path to Intro to Theology, I found something beautiful.

I found myself, and I was able to forgive her for feeling like she needed to apologize in the first place.