Finding Comfort

I didn’t mean to say it. I was hyping Wes up, and I started telling a story. I was hyping Wes up and accidentally hyped up the entirety of campus ministry……ENTIRELY BY ACCIDENT. I accidentally started talking about my interview (because I got stressed, freaked out, mentally blacked out, and there we were).

Before we get to what I said, everyone needs quite a bit of context…….

Last Friday, I was at the first Bulldog Beginnings event, which was a TLU Orientation event. I had put together a presentation to talk about campus ministry for a Parent Information session of new students. Wes wasn’t there (he was busy doing some very important work in the Methodist Church at a big conference/gathering), and so I was very much stressing. I wasn’t sure if I had the proper things to say, or if I could do the work of Campus Ministry justice in this presentation. However, I told Wes I could do it, so I did it. Since Wes wasn’t there, OF COURSE there was a “Meet Pastor Wes Cain” slide. Then I got nervous because the words failed me when I was trying to explain to parents that “while yes, Wes is our pastor and is helpful at guiding faith, he’s also just a dad that’s pretty fucking cool and knows a thing or two about life when you don’t need religious advice but your assignments are late and you feel like school is just a lot” because that’s HARD to put into words when you’re already stressed. So what did I do? I mentally blacked out and panic-told the story of my interview.

Spring 2023, while I was finishing up at Blinn, my dad sent me an instagram post saying that TLU Campus Ministry was hiring for the 23-24 school year. I didn’t think much of it, and honestly applied on a whim. I was severely unsure of whether or not I wanted to be involved with the ministry in any capacity, much less in a leadership setting. Since 2020, I can’t really think of a time I went into a church space and didn’t have a breakdown, so leadership wasn’t really in the front of my mind. But I saw there was a music-oriented position, so I threw in an application. I then connected with Wes and we had an interview over zoom.

This is the part I told the parents, and what I absolutely never meant to say: When I interviewed, I very specifically told Wes that I am typically uncomfortable in church spaces. I wasn’t sure what me being in leadership would look like, and I didn’t know how or where my triggers would present in these spaces because I was still figuring things out. But Wes gave me a shot. And over the course of that school year, I made so many close friends that I hope will stay with me for a long time. I got to lead and plan events that helped explore my own discomfort in traditional worship spaces by exploring different ways to worship.

The main highlight: Looking back on the last school year, there was nowhere I felt more comfortable than Campus Ministry. I can never be more thankful to Pastor Wes, and the others I have interacted with for creating such a safe space that allowed me to be present while giving me the space to define my own comfort zone and religious identity.

Without a doubt, this was the most unintentional and most powerful thing I could have said. I have been debating what to say here and how to say it, because I could feel in my soul that I had more to say. And so here goes:

Even though my personal relationship with religion has been tumultuous, I truly will never be able to express the gratitude I have in my heart for all the pastors that have been close to myself and my family. The pastors I call mentors and friends have all been so gracious in the space they create and the grace they give. As I’ve grown up and met more and more amazing leaders, I have turned to them in all sorts of times. I have sent pictures of football stadiums in Spain because a pastor friend loves Spanish football leagues (but the stadium was for the wrong team 😦 ). I have had really insightful conversations about difficult topics (over messenger because I was several states away).

Religion is hard enough to process as an individual. It’s even harder when the leadership do not create a safe space for those they have been called to lead. I am so grateful for the multitude of pastors who have created a safe space for myself and others. I am grateful to those leaders who continue to remind everyone that there is grace for everyone and that the work we are called to do calls us to open spaces even more.

And of course, basically the whole point of the story of this post: Wes. I’m pretty sure I thank you more in my head than I do out loud (mostly because I have so many hypothetical conversations in my head that I forget which ones were real), but I would like to take this time in maybe the most public way (and to be held forever in writing): Thank you. I was genuinely scared coming in to Campus Ministry because of my own past. I was so unsure what I would find, and there were definitely rocky moments. But your leadership, the way you gave grace and still maintained accountability, and the inspiration you gave for the leadership to bring their visions to life helped create a space where I have been so blessed to find immense comfort in. Thank you for the work you have done and continue to do. There is never enough I can do to say thank you. So once more: Thank You