I thought I was done with the church. Truly, I absolutely believed I was over it. I had been hurt time and time again and I was sick of letting my walls down, only to be hurt by the people closest to my family and I. When my family moved to College Station, I couldn’t go to a church service without having a panic attack. So I thought I was done.

Then I started working for Campus Ministry at TLU. I picked up a Theology major. Then, a year later, I started working at Emanuel’s Lutheran Church as well. Even though I was working in religious groups, I told myself I was done with church. I brushed off religion stuff as much as I could. I enjoyed my class and analyzing religion and talking about it academically, but I still told myself I was not going to let myself get hurt again.

And while I’m not a fan of ever saying it, I think it’s time to admit I was very much wrong. I never distanced myself from my faith. I never distanced myself from believing in a power in the universe that is more powerful than I can even comprehend. I never stopped feeling like I am called to show love and compassion to everyone on this planet, and knowing that calling came from something beyond myself. And yes, I’m finally admitting to myself and to the world that I had not given up, I’m also happy to admit that I think I’ve finally got something back.

Hope for this Church.

At TLU I get to engage with my friends, peers, and colleagues, and at Emanuel’s, I engage with the kiddos (also their parents and other adults, but my primary task/job is looking after and teaching the kiddos). I look forward to going to church so I can see my kids and hear what incredible thoughts and questions they have. I look forward to events at TLU and letting the other students know that I (and many others) share their doubts, questions, and concerns.

If the past couple years have taught me anything, it’s that my favorite place to be is in the midst of theological confusion, questions, and chaos. That may be weird to say that it’s my favorite, but it absolutely is. For starters, it’s a personal reminder that my head is not the only one with questions and internal chaos. The solidarity is shared by every person of every age. Secondly, the most beautiful thing one human being can do for another is be present on the journey of it all, and part of that journey is wondering about big topics and voicing concerns and doubts. I love talking with my kids about their amazing questions and working through the answers together (we call these questions “I don’t know questions” because I often don’t have a perfect answer, but I can tell them what I think and we can think together). I love getting to journey with them, because it allows me to walk with them and also to show them that not having the answers is ok.

In the eyes of those I interact with, I have found hope for this church, and an excitement about returning to engage with the work. I cannot wait to continue the work I am doing, and see where that work leads in the future. With my graduation in December, it feels like there’s a whole world waiting for me. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say this truthfully again, but I’m ready to see where God takes me and I am ready for the work I am called to do.