Dear Diary,

Today my dad only has 1 year and 5 months to find a job and counting! I’m super stressed with my back & knee problems, cheerleading, keep grades up, TPSP, and my parents. It’s getting tougher at home because my dad is getting more & more stressed as the days go, mom is sometimes and most-times invisible, because she shops, works, goes to the Y, and lots more! Mom & Dad are expecting me to be perfect: no attitude, no talking back, always doing chores when asked, perfect grades, and perfect oldest daughter/big sister. Everything is too hard, but I’m too afraid to tell anyone, because I’m not weak!

Love, Charis

That is an exact entry from my diary from 2013. This is the exact point that I can look at and say “here’s where it all began.”

Here is where I admitted that I was starting to bottle everything up because I was too scared to look “weak.” I was too scared that I would send my parents into a spiral, so I sent myself into a spiral instead. I sent myself down a path of severe anxiety and depression, in order to “spare” my parents from having to listen to the “annoying problems of a 12-year old.”

When I was younger (not that I’m very old right now), I was very good at reading emotions. I could tell what people were feeling after a little bit of time of being around them or talking to them. So when I started to read higher stress levels on my parents, I started to retreat. I started to cave in on myself and internalize everything. I didn’t want to worry my parents with the fact that I was starting to get overwhelmed. Money was tight, dad was looking for a new call, and mom was working 2 jobs (maybe not at this exact point in time, but that’s what I remember from this point in my life).

To explain the “mom is invisible” thing: my mom was still at home. She was still living with us, but from the parts I remember, I barely saw her. She left for her first job before I woke up to get ready for school. Then when I rode the bus home, I got home after mom had already left for her second job. If I was lucky, maybe my bus ran early and I got to see her for like 3 minutes to say “hi” and “bye.”

When I found this diary, and looked through it, I was shocked that I actually found written proof that this part of my life was real. That sounds really stupid to say, but when I explain how I felt during this point, I always feel like I’m being too dramatic. I probably am still being really dramatic, but I wrote it out. I actually felt like this. I wasn’t making this up. When your brain consistently tricks you into questioning what is truly real, it is both rewarding and heart breaking to find that you felt like this at one point.

Then, you feel more heartbroken when you realize that you have gotten better, but over the course of 7 years, you’re still stuck in that same mentality. I still constantly apologize for everything I do. I still apologize because I don’t want to burden others with my issues, no matter how small. I get scared that if people see how messed up I am, that they will leave. I get scared that if people really get to know me, they won’t like me.

And yes, I know that it shouldn’t matter what other people think. I know that the only person that needs to like me is me, but I’m not there yet. Right now, I’m still stuck in the mentality that I NEED people to like me. Unfortunately, I’m still stuck in this mental space where my self-esteem is built on my accomplishments and the thoughts of others.

This blog post is just my thoughtless typing. I’m going to publish this without reviewing it, because I know if I review it, I’m going to back down and not post it. Even though this is a real big downer, I need to tell people what I think. I need to communicate my thoughts, feelings, and needs, because that is my first step toward getting to a place where I can be mentally and emotionally comfortable.

I’m safe as it is, but I’m in mental and emotional pain because I don’t feel comfortable being myself, and letting people know who I am. Once again, like always, none of this is for your pity. I don’t need your pity and I don’t want your pity. This post is honestly just so I can hopefully look back in the future, and see how far I’ve come. So that I can look back on where I was, and be proud of where I am when I look at this again.

If you read this far, and you need someone to talk to, I’m always here. I know my struggle is not the same as your struggle, but I know what it feels like to struggle. I don’t wish that upon anyone, not even the people I dislike the most. So if you are struggling, and if you are in pain, let someone help you. Reach out. (Honestly, this last paragraph is ESPECIALLY for me. Sometimes I just need to write things out so that I truly hear them. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be there for you if you ever need me)