Grace in progress

I don’t remember blogging being this hard.

I’ve gotten good at writing pieces about things that are happening, or just weird random thoughts that aren’t truly important, but I haven’t shared anything of actual importance in my own life for a very long time now. For it to be this hard to share my personal life feels like a double-edged sword.

Growing up, I didn’t really have that much of a private life. Being a pastor’s kid that is over-involved in absolutely everything, everyone jus sort of wound up knowing everything. I shared everything with everyone because that’s just the way it was.

Then, in a therapy session when I was about 19 or 20, my therapist at the time talked to me about why I share everything with everyone. I couldn’t really pinpoint a reason but it was because I didn’t know any different. I still joke to this day that it shouldn’t have been this big lightbulb moment, but my whole world exploded when I was told that I was allowed to keep things to myself.

I still struggle with it sometimes, but there is a freedom in knowing that I am allowed to make my own choices, and I am allowed to be in charge of who knows. I still haven’t escaped the part of my brain that has trained itself to share everything with everyone, simply because that’s the way it’s always been. I still share everything with certain people because I still haven’t fully learned the lesson that keeping my private life to myself doesn’t mean I’m keeping secrets. At 21, I’m still trying to learn that I am allowed to have my own life that I control.

So much has happened in my life since moving back to Texas, and this audience knows almost none of it. I’ve had to tell myself it’s not a bad things, but now it’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to close down when it comes to my blogging. I’m starting to work on finding a middle ground where I can blog about what I want to blog about, without oversharing because I feel like I have to, but also without nagging on myself for opening up about my life.

When you’re accustomed to everyone having access all the time, it’s a weird thing to have privacy. I’m still working on finding a comfortable level of privacy for myself, and it’s a weird journey, but I’m finally beginning to feel good about being my own person. It’s weird. It’s a little bit scary. But I’m finding my way, and it feels good.