It’s 5:04am, and I haven’t slept. I’ve laid down. I’ve rested a bit. But I haven’t slept. Thank you “insomnia due to other mental disorder.”

At the end of what feels like a laundry list of my mental illnesses is “insomnia due to other mental disorder.” I told my psychiatrist how sometimes there were nights where I just didn’t sleep. There were nights where no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn’t sleep. Other nights where I was able to fall asleep, I would find myself waking up multiple times and struggling to fall back asleep. So, what was the answer? Technically, insomnia.

However, from my brief understanding of insomnia, there has to be a medical reason. For me, there is no physical reason that I should be dealing with insomnia. And based off what I told my psychiatrist, my insomnia is because of my other mental disorders (Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar).

The relationship between mental illness and sleep is very confusing at times. Sometimes, my mind is so tired that sleep is all I can do. Othertimes, even though my mind is exhausted, sleep isn’t even an option. Then there are rare moments where I’m able to fight my mind enough to fall asleep (though in those cases, I rarely stay asleep).

Take tonight for example. Yesterday, I worked a 10-hour shift (part of lunch rush and all of a Friday dinner rush). By the end of the shift, I was quite literally crying because I was just physically exhausted. Then I went to hang out at my bar to drop off some food for the staff and chat with my friends. By the time I got home, it was about 1:30am. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I should have gone to bed, right?

Wrong, apparently. I tried to go to sleep. I did the things. I laid down. I wound down. But my mind wasn’t shutting off. Fortunately, this is the better scenario of the worst-case options. I’m not having to fight off negative thoughts, and I’m not necessarily in a bad place. For those of you that don’t quite understand, imagine that your brain is full of white noise (or tv static) that’s at about 70% volume. There’s no clear thoughts or anything that really needs clear attention or focus, and nothing is really overwhelming, but there’s just enough noise that you can’t quite fall asleep.

Usually if the levels are at or below 30% volume, I can push it off and sleep a bit. Othertimes, the volume does reach 100% and it feels like all I can do is sit and try to focus on anything I can to distract from the noise. It’s hard to make it “make sense,” because oftentimes my thoughts are moving too fast to “catch,” so I’m just hearing the static of my own thoughts. It sounds weird when I write it down, but that’s the best description I have.

I always thought it was weird that my psychiatrist needed to specify the reason behind my insomnia. I understand enough about psychology to know that for some reason, everything has to have a specific reason. And if that reason isn’t clear, then it’s simply “other” or “unspecified,” or in my case, “due to other mental disorder.” I just thought it was a fancy way of saying, “she’s just a little fucked in the head, so here’s another fun sticker.”

Now I try not to focus too hard on the “sticker” or the label of it all. I’m finally starting to work on me, and work on healing the parts that I’ve hidden away (sometimes even from myself). So sometimes it means that I’m awake with my thoughts all night. And that’s ok for now, because I’m working on it. I’m going to heal, and I’m going to become someone new. I’m absolutely terrified of what it means, but I’m excited to meet her.