Grace in progress

It’s already time to register for Spring Classes of my final semester…….

I feel like last week, I was meeting with the advisor to start the Music Degree, and now I’m about to graduate with my Associate of Arts in Voice and Piano. It doesn’t feel real. My anxiety has certainly increased because of it.

You may be asking, “Charis, why is your anxiety increasing? Shouldn’t you be relieved to be graduating? Shouldn’t you be excited and ready to move on?” To that, I say your questions are valid. However, I never thought I’d make it this far. I dropped out of College on my first try, and somewhere in my subconscious, I adopted this mentality that I would never finish school. So while all my friends from my first college are finishing their undergrad degrees this year, I’m having panic attacks over graduating with my Associates.

Since I never thought I’d make it this far, I never bothered to plan anything. I have no idea where I’m going to transfer, and no idea what I’m going to do/what I want to be. And that’s a very scary thing for a person with a severe desire for complete control.

But I know complete control just simply isn’t realistic. No one can control absolutely everything, no matter how much I wish I could. At the end of the day, my fears aren’t even truly about control. My true fear is the same fear I’ve been facing since day 1: failure. I am so completely afraid to fail, that there are some times that I won’t even try.

This is not healthy, and I realize it. However, I am also aware that fear of failure is common. I know I’m not alone, and somehow that does make it better. It’s also made better by the fact that I know I have very important and special people in my corner that won’t let me give up.

So at the end of the day, (no matter how much I hate saying how true it is) I just have to take it one day at a time and let everything go the way it’s meant to. I need to learn to let go, and that’s the scariest bit of all.

It’s time to register for Spring Classes. I’m registered, and trying my best to be ready for what comes next. I’m learning to let go and learning to take it one step at a time. I’m learning and growing, and that is what’s important.