I saw this post somewhere, and I don’t remember if it was facebook, Instagram, or whatever of the various platforms I’m on. It was a collaborative post between Kristen Bell and her (a company dealing with female mental health needs, often specifically advertising for anxiety help), talking about the stigma of taking psychiatric medication.

Whether we like it or not, there is definitely a stigma around taking psychiatric medication. I’ve been on so many different medications in the 6-7 years I’ve been taking medication that I’ve stopped counting. Funny enough, in my experience, the worst stigma against taking the meds comes from myself. I don’t know if this is a common experience, but I felt it might help to share my experience of being on medications and how I felt about them (not each individual med, of course. More like my perspective on taking medications and what I saw/felt in myself).

A NOT-SO-QUICK (BUT HIGHLY IMPORTANT) NOTE: This is by no means a proper medical opinion. This blog post is simply about my own stigma around myself taking medication. In short, this is a purely selfish post all about me. Please consult a true medical professional if you have any questions or concerns about your own mental health. And please, please, PLEASE avoid using any information on this blog to self-diagnose. Any mental health information I put on this blog is through a highly biased lense: it’s all given through my uneducated perspective (my only sense of “professionalism” in the mental health world is the fact I’ve been in therapy and taking medication for as long as I have, and it’s not even that long of a time in the grand scheme of things).

Like I said, I’ve been on meds for a while (since my Junior year of High School, I believe). And when it comes to medication, I once heard my father tell someone a story about his own experience with medication……..I’m going to give you the short(ish) version of the story because it’s crucial to the story I need to tell you about myself:

Dad was doing some pastoring with a church member and he realized at that point in his life, he was taking the same amount of medications as someone essentially twice his age. For his health, he realized he needed to make some healthy changes so he maybe could get to a point where he didn’t need to take as many of the medications.

Now why the hell is this story (about physical health) so crucial to my own experiences with medication (for mental health)? Well unfortunately after hearing that story (sorry dad), I internalized it so intensely that I tried to convince myself that if I just tried to be healthy, that I wouldn’t need the medications. While there is a correlation between physical and mental health, and I definitely do need to make some steps towards better physical health, I shouldn’t have internalized that belief so intensely.

Because for me, it wasn’t just an intense belief that I could get off the meds by making healthy changes, it was a shame and guilt that I needed these “crutches” in the first place. THIS IS NOT THE TRUTH! There should be no shame in taking psychiatric medication in the aid of anxiety, depression, or any mental illness. One thing I like reading around social media in regards to diminishing the stigma around mental health treatment is the comparison of taking medication for physical illness. However, that also enforces the trap thought of “once I’m better I don’t need the medication.”

There is so much negative thinking in the way of taking my medication that it’s almost funny. I’m supposed to be taking these medications to help me focus on myself so I can have the mental capacity to challenge and work to undo negative thought processes, right? But there are times I can’t bring myself to take the medications because of the negative thought processes that tell me I’m weak if I take the meds. Once again, THIS IS NOT THE TRUTH! People who take medication for mental illness are not weak people. They are people like me, and people like you. They are people who simply deal with so much in their minds that they struggle to function on their own. This may be a harsh wording, but this is the wording I use for myself. When I stop taking my meds, I rarely have the mental strength to motivate myself to do daily tasks, so I can’t even think about having the mental strength to confront past traumas or negative thought processes. And if I can’t/don’t confront traumas and negative processes, then there really is no chance I’ll be able to get to a place where I can function without the medication.

One thought I’ve had to work on accepting is the thought that I might be on medication for the rest of my life. AND THAT’S NOT A BAD THING. If I’m on medication for “forever,” then it will just become part of my routine. The main priority should be my functioning and happiness.

Another example of tragic internalization is the fact I almost wanted to write: “and yes, in a perfect world, I wouldn’t have needed the medication in the first place.” This is such a negative way of thinking because if we follow that then I could go as far as to say “in a perfect world, I wouldn’t be depressed or anxious,” and then I would begin accepting sole blame for my illness. While I may be responsible for how I choose to confront my illness and how I choose to exist in the world whilst I deal with depression and anxiety, I cannot take full blame for having the illnesses in the first place. That’s not how mental illness works.

So at the end of the day, we once again to return to the concept of being one’s own worst enemy. Yes, there is stigma surrounding mental illness and the medications used to treat them, but the people confronting these illnesses should be careful that they aren’t turning into the biggest hindrance to their treatment. This last message is specifically for me, so it’s up to you if you choose to accept it for yourself:

Taking medication to treat your anxiety is ok. Taking medication to treat your depression is ok. Take the medications because they help. Take the medications so you have enough mental fortitude to confront the things stuck in your mind that are holding you down. Once you confront the things, and learn to accept and love yourself, who knows what your life will be like? Who knows where you could go in life? Who knows who you will become?

But isn’t is worth taking the medication now so you can find yourself in the future?